So I was washing my hair just a few minutes ago and suddenly started wondering:

Am I proactive enough?

The though came to me because of a comment given to me last Friday when I was being interviewed by one of the biggest commercial mainstream cinema production houses in the country.  They asked me: Have you applied elsewhere?  And I said no.  Then they said, “Why not?  *This company* isn’t the only film production company in the Philippines.”  I said, “Because this is where I want to be.”  And they looked at me funny.

Which makes me think, are they telling me that I’m not proactive enough?  I know that I’m not 100% sure going to pass their interviews and mental games, but does it make me arrogant to make sure that I don’t have a chance in this company first before turning elsewhere? I couldn’t tell them that I was in a time of experimentation.  That I wanted to be sure something was for me before I go ahead and pursue other things.  I’ve always been the kind with no direction, who goes and takes every opportunity without a set goal in mind.  I was always for exploration, but it didn’t really get me a far distance in the past.  Now, trying it out one by one, but it seems I’m being scrutinized once again.

What’s wrong with me?  Am I doing things wrong? I wasn’t aware that life had a certain path/set of directions that I should’ve been following.  I’m getting so confused all over again, and it’s not a great feeling – to be uncomfortable and unsure.  Uncertainty’s screwing with me, big time, and I feel like I’m letting it win.  But I don’t know how to overcome it.  My OC-ness is taking me over and I can’t seem to deal with everything else around me.

God damn internal struggles.



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