Leave or Stay

Sunday Afternoon

Rachael Yamagata, “Elephants … Teeth Sinking into Heart.”

It’s a choice
To stay
It’s a dream
And I wanna wake

You have blood on your hands
And I’m feeling faint
And honey,
You can’t decide

I’m a drug
You don’t wanna give up
Smoke your cigarettes,
Make your love

You poured blood in my heart
And I can’t get enough
I’m drowning, drowning
And you can’t decide

It’s not about geography, or happenstance
You need to fly and take a chance
You’d need to soar to emptiness
Float on high and forever dance alone

Your scared, scared, scared
Cause I feel like home

Hear your voice
Knew right away
If you were here
Your eyes would say

I have blood on my feet
As I’m walking away
The rivers are red
It’s starting to rain

I’m not gonna live for you or die for you
Won’t do anything anymore for you
Cause you leave me here on the other side
You leave me here on the other side

Not gonna shed one more tear for you
Shed one more tear for you
I’m not gonna shed one more tear for you

At least not ’til Sunday Afternoon
Sunday Afternoon

Leave or stay
Leave or stay…

I first heard this song about three or four years ago when I discovered and learned to love Rachael Yamagata.  Her first album release, “Happenstance,” was both reflective and transformative of the feelings, thoughts, hopes, and yearnings I had back then in 2005.  As I explored her music, I grew more and more in love with all that she says in her lyrics and her raspy voice provokes more feeling to the music as it gives authenticity to the veracity of the experiences that resulted into her songs.  I especially loved “Reason Why” and “Quiet.”  I was so inspired with her music and how she expressed her own musings and reactions to her life’s experiences that I yearned to be just like her.

The songs that provoked most feeling in me were those that were melancholy and appeared at the latter part of her album.  Songs such as “Paperdoll,” “I’ll Find a Way,” “Under My Skin,” and “Meet Me By the Water” were like lost melody to me ears and the lyrics felt so genuine, I could swear I felt the same way before.

I guess what this true entry’s purpose is not simply a way for me to look back and muse at the past, but to show how much, even before, I yearned to experience “love.”  Yes, here we go again.  I have always longed to travel to Venus, but somehow, I never could.  I may not have the right baggage or maybe I just didn’t pass the flight test.  No matter what, I still haven’t soared there… and it’s excruciatingly disappointing.

But more often than not, when I start reflecting upon my past feelings and past experiences, I find that it wasn’t really that I wasn’t qualified for love.  In reality, I feel it was me who rejected the offer of soaring into the sky towards love.  See, I was too afraid of falling down, of suffocating, of experiencing the kind of pain I felt I wasn’t ready for.  It wasn’t that I was dealt with awful cards, it was just that I left the table in the middle of the game.  I guess I chose to leave before I could take the chance.  And ironically enough, it ended up hurting me more.

So to take a chance at love, or not to?

No matter what happened, I always got hurt.  I just didn’t want to show it, but I’m sure it seeped through.

Yesterday was another of painful female episodes.  It was the first day of my period and I was late for about two months already.  It wasn’t as if I didn’t know it was coming.  I was just astonished at how unprepared I was when it did.  See, I should’ve foreseen that it would be as painful as this.  It always has been if I have been late.  But I just turned a blind eye.

And I suffered severely yesterday, I had to miss an important meeting.  I was ready to force myself to drive to school already but the moment I left my airconditioned room, I was so overwhelmed by the intense summer heat that hit my face.  I ended up doubling over in pain and nausea and eventually, had to throw up excess stomach acid.  The episode lasted for about 6 hours until I finally fell asleep.  I didn’t eat anything at all yesterday because I couldn’t.  I just laid on my bed the whole day, trying to massage my painful abdomen, and sometimes crying myself to short naps.

I fell in and out of sleep, waking up because of the pain, but eventually, I was able to sleep for 3 hours.  Soon after I woke up, I thought I felt better, I even drove out to fulfill my errands.  When I got back, however, I found that I wasn’t any better and that I was still in pain.  I was so worried I picked up my phone and researched all about dysmenorrhea and refreshed my memory about ovarian cysts, which I used to have two years ago.  I became so anxious that I contacted my gynecologist and called up my mother.  She set up an appointment with the doctor just to set my mind at ease, because I was sort of panicking and frantically thinking that my cyst might have regrown.  When my mom finally came back home from work, she came to visit me in my room and offered me a hot wheat bag that really soothed the pain.  I felt glad that she was there, I couldn’t imagine not having her there.  (That’s love right there, but not the kind of love I’ve always been looking for, I guess.)

Anyway, it’s already almost 6am right now and I have been up for about 3 hours.  I fell asleep at 10pm and woke up five hours after, at 3.  This insomnia is really starting to worry me.  I can’t sleep at the right time – usually falling asleep in the morning at about this time – and whenever I do fall asleep, I don’t think I ever get enough of it.  I can’t stay asleep for long, always waking up 5-6 hours later.  It’s not healthy, I’m guessing.  I better have a sleep doctor check me out as well.

As the sun rises up today, I find I need to rest again for fear that I might shock my body into a lot of activity today.  Though I feel loads better than yesterday, I don’t want to take too much of a risk since I have a meeting with the team and a job interview to go to after that.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, nor do I have any direction or map to guide me.  Right now, I’m just “winging it” and I hope I get enlightened soon.  No matter though, I’ll meet up with a good friend later after the interview to talk about our career paths… and draft out a life plan… and rant about my confused love life.  Sometimes, it’s better to talk it out… I find I go farther that way.

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